And what do they need to prepare? And I?

Very long post. Bear with me.

My parents are in their 70s and own several properties. They told me and my 2 brothers each of us is getting one property each, but other than that we know nothing about their will. We’re visiting in February next year to talk about it.

I’m all about personal independence and I’m lucky my parents don’t have dementia, aren’t mentally unstable, can still drive safely, get a pension and have some investments as well. Financially they’re set for the rest of their lives.

What I’d like to tell them:

Both of you are in your 70s and live in GA, whereas I live in upstate NY (brothers live in the UK and Canada, respectively). What happens if one of you or both start having difficulties showering, cooking, paying taxes, getting up or gets forgetful? I cannot fly each time one of you has an emergency, nor am I going to go back to GA to live with you. I value my independence. Because I am your son I don’t want to be your father, I don’t want to fight you about how many times you shower, if you stink, if what you cook or eat is healthy, if you are fit to drive, if the clothes you wear are clean.

Post readers: I don’t know if I’m being childish or in denial. Relocating them to NY is shooting myself in the foot: all their friends are in GA, climate there is warmer than in NY. Simply relocating them near me because it suits me seems cruel and I don’t believe they’d ever agree. Due to work I don’t find it feasible flying to GA every 3 or 4 months.

What if one of you starts driving dangerously? There are so many seniors who claim they can drive, but then total the car or kill somebody and themselves in the process. We live in a litigious society: the aggravated party may sue you for everything you got and may sue me as well. I don't want to foot your bill. Will you hand me the keys peacefully or accuse me of taking your independence away? What I don’t want is stupid drama. I’m not a person who sets himself on fire trying to help others and if my help is unwanted, or if I’m accused of something nefarious, I’m going to disengage and leave you alone. I only help if my help is welcomed, not sabotaged. I may lose an inheritance but keep my emotional stability and independence.

Post readers: but this is never so black and white, because if one of them or both get dementia or start to decline mentally, where do I draw the line? I’m not a patient person if wrongfully accused of stealing, being an impostor, being insulted, being accused of trying to kill them, being treated like a preteen… I’m terrible at redirecting.

If you have a heart attack and your heart stops, should we perform CPR on you, or would you rather prefer a DNR and a DNI? CPR is a violent last resort measure and if done well means breaking the breastbone and ribs, then several months being bed bound on painkillers. I know of families who had the conversation and decided against, meaning the parent would die peacefully, without heroic measures. To me is very important that each of you clearly state what you want, but I don’t know if this will trigger you and start accusing me of wanting you to die.

You as my parents are free to accept or reject any medical procedure you may not want, but I’m equally free of walking away if I don’t like what I see and my advice is ignored or you are stubborn to the point of being a danger to yourselves or others (read hoarding, mold in the kitchen, unsanitary conditions…).

Post readers: This last paragraph is something I’m going to struggle with: it is actually what I want to say, but each time I repeat it I feel guilty.

Dad, you should create a document with actual information about your bank accounts, passwords, TV and internet providers, insurance and doctors who treat you, close friends who could be helpful in a crisis… so I can access it as fast as possible, should you have a medical emergency.

Post readers what else does he have to prepare?

I don’t know if it’s fair to expect them to start looking for nursing homes. It is usually the sons and daughters who do this during a crisis. I actually wanted to tell my parents exactly that, so that when the time comes when they no longer can live on their own, they at least have an idea of what nursing homes are like around them. I know I won’t be around if their plan is to stay put at home no matter what and expect me to visit and help them.

My parents may decide they want to live and die at home and that’s perfectly valid. I should respect it, because they’re free persons, I’m nobody to dictate how they should live their lives. What I’m not doing is becoming a servant to them every time they need something. Personal freedom means freedom to choose actions that may shorten your life. And I’m nobody to tell any other human how to live his life.

Bottomline: I’m not sacrificing my life for you

Post readers: I don’t believe I’ll ever utter this last sentence to my parents but it illustrates the point clearly and also my fears. It is my experience that so many families wont talk about this issues because they fear rocking the boat or want to avoid drama. Then a crisis happens and boom, off to the hospital with no insurance information, no power of attorney, not a shortened list of possibly nursing homes in the area, long waiting lists, undone paperwork, drama…

Being prepared helps.

I know it's the anosognosia and it's not his fault but goddammit I cannot bear it anymore, he is an insufferable child in an old person's body, so needy and clingy, I know I shouldn't make it personal but when he's at home I cannot have a moment of peace or disengage, he is always doing some ridiculous sh%t.

I know I should stop blaming him and blame the illness but I simply cannot separate both things. It is him the one that makes me work extra hard only to keep him safe and he is also the one that yells, kicks and throws fits and argues.

have you managed to control this with meds alone?

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/36437828

I don't think I could be that:

seems to be very low paid, seniors and their families can be very demanding: some family members with dementia I know are basically 78 year old toddlers, throwing a fit for ridiculous stuff, except that this toddler becomes worse with every passing day, then issues with food: too much for him, but if you take half of the food from the plate, he looks at you as if you killed a puppy (what do you expect me to do?), then the constant need of validation and laughing at his stupid jokes he repeats several times a day, completely unrealistic expectations for the day (visiting 3 malls in 4 hours), they're completely self centered children.

not.for.me, and I'm not even the main caregiver. How can you survive this kind of emotional labor?

does it pay being an occupational therapist?

As a matter of fact there is a chance we become this entitled family who feels we can dictate to an overworked occupational therapist how to do his or her job, because we're the ones paying...

what a bleak future for everyone involved.

I don't think I could be that:

seems to be very low paid, seniors and their families can be very demanding: some family members with dementia I know are basically 78 year old toddlers, throwing a fit for ridiculous stuff, except that this toddler becomes worse with every passing day, then issues with food: too much for him, but if you take half of the food from the plate, he looks at you as if you killed a puppy (what do you expect me to do?), then the constant need of validation and laughing at his stupid jokes he repeats several times a day, completely unrealistic expectations for the day (visiting 3 malls in 4 hours), they're completely self centered children.

not.for.me, and I'm not even the main caregiver. How can you survive this kind of emotional labor?

does it pay being an occupational therapist?

As a matter of fact there is a chance we become this entitled family who feels we can dictate to an overworked occupational therapist how to do his or her job, because we're the ones paying...

what a bleak future for everyone involved.

often means every 4 to 6 months, a visit to the hospital: unfamiliar surroundings, he becomes stressed and aggressive.

Nursing facility is kinda a weak answer because it takes the whole responsibility away from you, it simply transfers this responsibility to an overcrowded facility with unsustainable ratios, burned out caregivers and corporations selling you the idea they do actually care (BS) while you, naively, buy it. Your expectation is they're going to care as much as you, which is a lie: an overworked nurse is going to do the best she can but she has other patients in the facility, other patients with dementia and mood swings, patients trying to escape or sexually assault the young, fit nurse and as soon as she finds something better, she is abandoning ship.

This is modern slavery, but this is a subject for another post.

Options I see: sedate him so he becomes a plant, something I'm against. What kind of life would that be?

Another option I personally feel inclined to: don't medicate him to the point he becomes a plant, let him feel he is young again and whatever happens, happens. He is no longer aware of his age, enjoys cartoon books, let him live and die as happy and oblivious as he can be, even if this means his life is going to be much shorter. If we lock him down, he becomes either angry or depressed, he feels trapped.

I need a dnr/dni btw.

I can already hear some sisters yelling at me and calling me callous and worse things.

staying with him 24/7 is not an option, because we all have lives and jobs to do. At this point he needs constant attention.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/34045100

still deciding to fully degoogle with GOS or muddling through with what I have (proprietary, data grabbing and bloated).

To understand the question, compare with my main hardware with debian on it: a regular notebook I bought in 2016 and I've used heavily for all kinds of stuff: working, writing papers, downloading and playing media including AV1, editing audio, torrenting...

One of the best investments I ever made, considering what I paid and how prices nowadays are. Debian offers regular upgrades and I don't have to check if my hardware is going to support the software on a level comparable with android devices (GOS only runs on pixels, other open-source, privacy focused Android operating systems have similar hardware restrictions).

I want this kind of ROI for the device I buy and the software I use, but I don't know if that's possible:

GOS drops support for older pixels but I don't know how many years any particular device is supported by GOS: 3 years? not enough. There's no way I'm buying a new pixel every 3 years. I'd even consider 6 years restrictive.

still deciding to fully degoogle with GOS or muddling through with what I have (proprietary, data grabbing and bloated).

To understand the question, compare with my main hardware with debian on it: a regular notebook I bought in 2016 and I've used heavily for all kinds of stuff: working, writing papers, downloading and playing media including AV1, editing audio, torrenting...

One of the best investments I ever made, considering what I paid and how prices nowadays are. Debian offers regular upgrades and I don't have to check if my hardware is going to support the software on a level comparable with android devices (GOS only runs on pixels, other open-source, privacy focused Android operating systems have similar hardware restrictions).

I want this kind of ROI for the device I buy and the software I use, but I don't know if that's possible:

GOS drops support for older pixels but I don't know how many years any particular device is supported by GOS: 3 years? not enough. There's no way I'm buying a new pixel every 3 years. I'd even consider 6 years restrictive.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/34022186

I own 2 bloated proprietary devices and don't use them for anything important, like banking or dealing with authorities. I also don't trust the manufactures not selling my data.

Id like to have a working device with no bloatware and completely degoogled. Ironically I'd have to buy something made by google to run GrapheneOS on it. Intended use would be to use as a camera, to run CoMaps on it, pkpass files with foss-wallet, reading epubs, making phone calls and running one aurora app.

I don't need the device to play games, watch movies, show off or to play loud music, but I'd like a jack port for my headphones (I assume google headphones would cease to work if I degoogle the device, nor would I want to spend more than necessary enriching that data grabber even more.

Is there a pixel device with a jack port?

Are batteries inside pixel devices glued to the frame or can they be easy to change?

My main OS is debian. How easy is to transfer data from GrapheneOS to debian and the other way round?

Overall if you run GrapheneOS on a pixel, how many years running it and what do you think about it?

I own 2 bloated proprietary devices and don't use them for anything important, like banking or dealing with authorities. I also don't trust the manufactures not selling my data.

Id like to have a working device with no bloatware and completely degoogled. Ironically I'd have to buy something made by google to run GrapheneOS on it. Intended use would be to use as a camera, to run CoMaps on it, pkpass files with foss-wallet, reading epubs, making phone calls and running one aurora app.

I don't need the device to play games, watch movies, show off or to play loud music, but I'd like a jack port for my headphones (I assume google headphones would cease to work if I degoogle the device, nor would I want to spend more than necessary enriching that data grabber even more.

Is there a pixel device with a jack port?

Are batteries inside pixel devices glued to the frame or can they be easy to change?

My main OS is debian. How easy is to transfer data from GrapheneOS to debian and the other way round?

Overall if you run GrapheneOS on a pixel, how many years running it and what do you think about it?

cpu: Intel® Core™ i7-7500U CPU @ 2.70GHz, version: 6.142.9, size: 3268MHz, capacity: 3500MHz, width: 64 bits

also, if you could link a reliable guide for a newbie and your personal tricks to apply...

preferably with a terminal gui, like htop or iftop

debian 12.11

system memory size: 31GiB, 2 15.5 GiB cards

cpu: Intel(R) Core(TM) i7-7500U CPU @ 2.70GHz, version: 6.142.9, size: 3268MHz, capacity: 3500MHz, width: 64 bits

no graphics card whatsoever

computer can play h.265 and equivalent without troubles, provided video file is no higher than 1080 p.

Computer can play av1 files no higher than 1080 p only if I shut every other application down. If for example I run a browser and an av1 file with either mpv or vlc, system shuts down.

Can I put all that memory to use and avoid overloading the cpu?

ETA: temperature seems to be the reason why this machine shuts down. Fan is ok, not too much dust, it needs a re-paste