When I am not in touch with people on a regular basis, I sometimes forget that I even exist. It's so hard!!

Well, I've had CPTSD since early childhood. Never liked crowds much. Became homeless for 20+ years and I decided to do street ministry to force myself to interact with people no matter how tough it was for me mentally. This was something I did constantly for years and while it's helped me in many ways I still have little desire to be around people and I still kinda find life to be pointless.

But a benefit from all this. I found my true identity and today, I'm at peace with myself even though this strange movie keeps replaying over and over again. It's still uncomfortable for me but I have a much better grip on it than I used to. So I don't have episodes that last too long even though they're quite intense still.

I isolate myself to keep safe. I have few friends and no family.

My experience has been that people—even those I like—make me tired. They want too much from me. All I want to do is be left alone.

How will it hurt people for you to change?

I find it very difficult with socializing cause it feels like my mind and mouth are so disconnected that what ever comes out is a jumbled mess in person and then I constantly second guess talking online most of the time cause I assume I'll always will be seen a idiot or a target

also I'm not really interested in some of the most common interest people have or is too specific for the topic that people don't really care about or too hard for me to put into words or text.