Some context:

My mother divorced my dad (who then lost custody of me due to abuse). We lived well below the poverty line with many days my only food being free lunch from my school. My mother then passed from cancer when I turned 17.

When my mother passed I moved in with my autistic friends family (Ive known her since elementary school). I had already been shot down by her in middle school when she explained to me "Im autistic so I dont feel those emotions." So I never thought anything would happen between us. Fast forward a year later and after spending tons of time together she asks "what are we", two days later and were offically dating.

My now partner has autism and bipolar and her parents while trying their best have always thought of her as nothing more then a little kid dispite her now being 20, and arent exactly the best at managing autism. Because of this she doesnt want her parents to know about us dating until we have our own place

Heres where my problems are:

The first week felt unreal. She asked for me to sleep in her room every night, wanted tons of cuddles and even wanted to try kissing- something she said she'd never do. Shes was also researching apartments every day and always talking about wanting to move out as soon as possible.

Unfortunately she also wanted to watch the sopranos. And I didnt realize just how much that show reflected my home life growing up triggering me whenever I watched an episode. It was manageable, but then problems at work were getting worse, her family arent abusive but their also not fun people to live with and problems started arising with them. Combining everything I started feeling very triggered and just couldnt return her love. I discussed it with her and tried to reasure that it wasnt her but Id be lying if I said I wasnt pretty distant.

Now things are better again, I changed departments at work, had to stop watching the sopranos instead of trying to power through the episodes. But now she doesn't want to be touched, barely talks to me, and starts getting incredibly anxious when I ask her any questions.

She tells me she still loves me but shes just having a bad episode, and I want to believe her. But her mannerisms are almost parallel to my ex's before she broke up with me. I feel like a disgusting creep begging for the attention of a girl who doesnt want to be with me. Im worried ill get the same conversation my ex had with me. "You were convient", "I didnt really love you but I had nobody else". I feel like I destroyed our relationship by going distant, and that every attempt to fix it pushes her further away.

The only thing keeping me questioning is every now and then she'll let me hug her again and curl up into my arms (she hates being hugged by anyone even family). I discussed everything with her but it just made her anxious and start freaking out. When I asked her about moving out she now says "Im not in a rush."

Sorry for this massive post but Im in my head and genuinly am lost for direction here. Did I ruin everything? How do I even approach talking when she just gets anxious and shuts down whenever I bring anything up? I would just like someone elses opinions or prespective on the matter because I known Im stuck only thinking from my own prespective on the situation