Did you get a diagnosis?

If not, it's possible this is anxiety from the relationship in a bad feedback loop.

You seem to have some avoidance, she seems removed emotionally(exhaustion), and you both probably need to work on boundaries.

I don't mean to project. My last relationship of 5 years is almost perfectly described by your post including seeking an ADHD diagnosis in therapy. In my case it turned out she was never able to be emotionally available to me in the first place. That drove her to be critical of me and not provide intimacy which in turn caused me to be in a constant increasing state of anxiety about what next thing will I have fucked up. Severe executive dysfunction...

It sounds like your partner maybe suffering from anxiety issues. As a adhd'r myself I have to constantly defend my need to just let me do things the way I want. Like give me a goal and let me mess up a bit. Just need the space and time to figure out how I am going to do something my own way cause my experience isn't typical and it becomes unintuitive for passerby who are trying to facilitate my progress. As a musician I also have become acutely sensitive to how long it takes me to learn an pickup new skills and how my alternative methods often allow me to flourish while traditional methods often hinder me.

I'm late here, but you need technology, friend.

This for example:

But when there’s mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won’t notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P

Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.

Set reminders on your phone. Get it to NAG you. You don't have to do this stuff immediately, but trust me, setting the reminder is doable.

Default calendar apps are good, but there are more complex notification systems you can use as well.

Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire)

For big events like this, write it down in a journal. Then go back and read it every once in awhile; it keeps the mistakes 'fresher' in your brain.

There are tons of little things like this, but basically, whenever you run into a failure, reach for a tool to compensate. Don't just wish your brain can do everything by itself; it cannot.

Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.

Finally, I find its easy to be in a "negative trap" with ADHD. Make small positive improvements, like highlighted above, and consciously keep a more positive attitude.

...Also, your SO should encourage you when improvements happen.

If she doesn't, talk to her about it. Express that you're making these habitual improvements, and ask her give little bits of encouragement, to nag you about setting reminders; whatever you need. External praise (even in tiny amounts) is very important.

And pure negativity is a trap.

If she can't stay positive about small improvements, that's a problem. You two should talk about that in therapy, or at least have a deep, calm, planned chat about it.

Maybe use an LLM to read this…

Edit: I did ask LLM to rewrite it so it is more understandable, for raw version see below:

I’m in a similar situation, just with a 6-year-old child. Our relationship has gone through several cycles: things work for a while, her workload gets heavier, everything builds up, and eventually it becomes too much and we hit a crisis.

After those moments, I try hard to stay organized and keep things running. But suddenly a week comes where I lose all structure, have no plan, things stay undone, and tasks pile up again.

Last year I messed up by taking drugs at parties and not telling her. We’re not anti-drug in general, but the fact that I hid it caused her a lot of pain. Now I’m trying hard again, but since yesterday I’m feeling mild burnout symptoms. My opinions keep shifting too fast, so I struggle to express them clearly.

I don’t know if this helps you directly, but you’re definitely not alone. Many couples with ADHD face the same pattern. I hope you don’t have financial stress, and maybe showing her how other ADHD couples struggle could help both of you feel less isolated. Just try not to use ADHD as a permission to give up — getting organized is hard, but staying organized is even harder.

We’re planning to define our responsibilities clearly. We now use separate calendars so each of us knows exactly what they are responsible for. We’re still working on the household tasks too.

What helps me is keeping one big “dump list” to capture everything — I use Apple Reminders. Then, at a regular time, I sort the tasks into categories (household, family, personal, hobby project, startup group) and rearrange them by priority. With this system, I can create time blocks for each category and simply work from the top down.

Financially we also need changes. I thought my spending was controlled, but it wasn’t. So I’m planning an analysis of our expenses and will set up one main family account for income, plus two small accounts for ad-hoc spending (snacks, lunch, Pokémon cards, raves, etc.). Each month, a set amount will move from the main account to these smaller ones.

Finally, I’ll organize my recurring household tasks in the reminder system too, so she won’t need to remind me anymore.

😃✌🏻

Raw:

I am in a similar situation, but with a 6 year old child..

With our relationship it happened multiple cycles so far

Things kinda work, workload of her hets higher and higher and it builds up until it is too much and we have a situation

After such situations i try hard to keep stuff going, in my mind, planned etc

And suddenly there starts a week, where I have nonplan what I shoud do und things keep undone and task pile up again

I fucked up last year by taking drugs at partys and did not tell her (we are both not anti-drugs per general, but I did not tell her) so now i have caused so much pain

And bow i try hard again, but since yesterday I have weak burn-out symptoms again

And I flip between different opinions, can’t say my explicit opinions, as they change too fast

Ehh

Well, I don’t really know how this could help you, but at least it shows, that you’re not alone, there are many many many people with exactly this same situation, more or less

Hope you have no financial struggles, and maybe show her how others ADHS couples have same struggles

Just try hard not to use it as permission to get lazy, it is hard to get organised, but way harder to stay organised

I plan to define with her clearly who has which responsibilities and we have now not one shared calendar but one for each, so we can define responsibility for events clearly

We are still working on the houshold topics and stuff

But what I think really helps, is to have a list of stuff to remember to dumb everything in. For me it is an apple reminder list

Than i have a regular time frame where I sort those task into categories (household, for family, for me, for my hobby project with friends, my startup group) and sort them by priority from top to bottom

With having such list I now can create time frames that are mapped to each of those lists and when such a time frame comes i can just work from top to bottom

Money wise, we need adjustments as well, because my spending seems controlled to me but turns out, is not. So here I will create an analysis on what spending we have and set up a main money storage for family spending where earned money flows in and two money storage for ad-hoc spending like snak or lunch or Pokemon cards or raves etc. Where depending on calculating i still have to do each month flows a bit from main storage of money.

Hope that solves

Ahh and in the reminder list inplan to organise my repeating houshold tasks as well, so that she won’t have to remind me in the future

😃✌🏻