Sheesh, this is very, very messy...

I honestly couldn't even guess at what she may or may not be feeling/thinking, but I can tell you this is the kind of "complicated" without which you'd be waaay better off...

If a straightforward conversation is off the table (which seems to be the case, because she either has no idea what she wants, or is in denial about it), I'd recommend you just move on. If she's too intrusive or destabilising, you can, without any ill will or anything of the sort, cut contact - I'm serious, you don't have to hate someone to not want to maintain communication, them being a destabilising factor for you is enough.

If this were me, I'd give her space and let her figure things out on her own, honestly. I'd tell her politely that I can't deal with this, that things are clear on my end, and that, again, without ill will, I'm backing off for my own wellbeing. Then make a genuine effort to move on - no following her socials, no keeping up with her life, no encouraging any sort of behaviour other than "hi/how are you/fine, thanks/ok, bye."

Sounds like she's ended it, but wants to keep one foot in the door and sees you as safety incase things go wrong. My suggestion, end it now because she's toying with you and has no plans for you. Depending on how manipulative she is, this might turn her on and make her come after you; if so you need to run away.

Don't be a backup plan my man, find you a girl that actually makes you a priority

She doesn't like you that way. Some women borrow clothes and leave stuff with friends and some are friendlier when inebriated because of its effect on impulse control. Her sober shut downs are consistent: you were not a bad partner but she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.

Whether she's being honest about not having feelings for you is irrelevant. Honestly, you need to learn to hold more respect for yourself and what's good for you. Hint: she absolutely is not good for you.

Also, flirtation is not a sign of anything deeper or meaningful.

freshly single from a longtime toxic ex

This is really the key. Toxic relationships, romantic or otherwise, fuck you up. Badly. Really badly. You know about the tip of the iceberg. Only she knows how deep it goes, and maybe even she doesn't know it (yet).

I won't sit here and say that there are no feelings involved on her side. I don't know that, and there is definitely a possibility that she has a few feelings from what you're describing. But for her right now, she has much bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she got out of that toxic relationship is a seriously large accomplishment for her. It is insanely difficult to get out of those situations. And she will in all likelihood be feeling a whole range of emotions in waves. The one moment she'll want to have a relationship (in general). The next moment, she'll be wanting to explore her newfound freedom. Another moment, she'll just be feeling really down. And quite likely, she will often be fighting with feelings of wanting that toxic relationship back, no matter how bad it was, because that's how toxic relationships are, unfortunately. She needs to sort a hell of a lot of stuff in her head that was messed up during that course (ideally with psychological help).

This will go on for quite a while, likely years. And honestly, it would probably be in her best interest not to get into a relationship at this point. When you're dealing with the repercussions from a situation like that, the last thing you need is something that might stress you more.

As to you? Well, there is the option that you support her getting through it, but this will only work without your goal being a relationship - and you have to be honest with yourself here. Because you will have to distance yourself. Make no mistake, there WILL be pain and suffering. And if you are too close to her emotionally or still have active feelings, it will burn you up from the inside. Shared suffering is half the suffering, but don't underestimate what she brings to the table in that regard. So this would only be an option once your feelings for her have seriously calmed down and you've created enough emotional distance for you to be able to deal with this.

The other option is, of course, you distance yourself, period, or even cut off contact. I have the impression you're clinging to hope that it might work out after all, and it will eat you alive if you don't watch out.

So essentially, either way, you have to distance yourself. And once you've created enough distance and can reflect on everything in a calmer matter, you can decide which path you want to go down.

Hope this helps. You sound like a genuinely kind and loving person - qualities that make going through something like this that much more difficult. And honestly, a psychologist might not be a bad idea, either. We're just random strangers on the internet, a psychologist will be able to help you much better.

She wants girlfriend-benefits while friend-zoning you. She's expecting you to cut contact or make it a choice between that vs dating for real(she'll probably choose no-contact) - the sweater's a souvenier of an ended relationship, even if only the physical aspect.

Whatever else you think is going on, you're not getting that sweater back, not getting back what you once had any time soon, and should probably pull the trigger on no-contact. She probably sees you as an impediment to her dating life OR is intentionally using you as part of an experiment to see if she can stand to be single, in a way that is harmful to you.

You are under no obligation to be her relation-ship pacifier, but if you can get her to admit what's really going on and you find that's the case, its up to you what you'll put up with.

Sounds like you do still have feelings for her and are scared to let her go if she follows through with not talking to you anymore.

she's still adamant that she wants nothing to do with me like that anymore and feels nothing for me.

Props to you for communication! You talked about it so theres your answer. Shes not interested like that so time to move on

I know this is easy to say but you really need to get rid of her and start seeing other people. She’s not interested. You’ll probably look back one day and you won’t understand why you were so hung up on her.

My 2 cents: cut her out of your life. She also sounds like she needs a psychiatrist, but that’s not your problem.

Let it go, this will only keep hurting and confusing you if you cling to it. Do the things you love, be your own person, find your own strength, without her. Clinging will only push her away further. But that doesn't matter, do this for your self.

If something should ever happen again between you, make sure that it does under terms you are fine with, from a position where you can really decide if you want it to or not. Not from a position of need(iness) .

Its fine to be friends but for now I think you need to kill the notion that it will be anything more. Im sorry, I know that sucks. But evey other approach will only make it worse, especially for you! <3

In life we need to do things that maximize our mental peace and surround ourselves with people that respect us and pull us up. On that note, she isn't doing any of that. It sounds like she's not good for you, not making a judgment about her as a person.