That’s cute but probably above our pay grade. What you need is therapy

and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.

The moral to a story that a sociology professor told us was that if you want to keep your warm-fuzzy supply full, you have to give them out as much as possible. I think that applies here once you get past the current hurdles.

I was not able to love myself until 2019. I didn't think it would ever happen. I used to hate myself. Keep working on it – massive change is possible but it takes time and persistence. I wish you the best.

You are not alone. In fact this is pretty common. My wife has similar struggles:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html

As you already said, it's caused by parents that don't give you a safe and living emotional environment in early childhood.

What a great read! You seem very reflective and aware of yourself. I don't really have any advice, but it seems you're on the right track just by knowing yourself and taking steps to wrap your head around it all. Good luck!

If you can afford I would get professional help. This is not something I have experience with personally but I've often heard of people not being able to process certain emotions so I would assume its somewhat common. A decent therapist would likely have a good understanding of how to help you navigate this.

If you can't afford that then talking about on lemmy or elsewhere probably wouldn't hurt. Even if we can't offer much advice I figure writing it out like that could probably help you process your feelings on some level

but if i let things happen, a woman is gonna be always around me lol. and i will have to make plans for her and deal with stuff. then a family reeeee.

You don't have to have kids if you don't want to. My wife and I are in our 40s and neither of us want kids. Society will try to make it seem like that's just what normal people do, bit screw that noise. Do what makes you happy.

You care about love. You wrote this post. You mentioned someone who loved you as "wholesome". You say you want to stop avoiding intimacy.

I'd dare to say you care about love, belonging, kindness, safety, and independence. I may be wrong with some or all of those, and I'm sorry if I misread you or made assumptions. However, feel free to write your own list of things that you care about. We humans care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. Think about your experience with love, intimacy, and relationships. Notice when something that hurts pops up. What would you not have to care about for this not to hurt?

It's also important to notice that brain is trying to protect you. It's trying to avoid the pain it has perceived in the past, the pain it (rightly or wrongly) predicts will appear in your future. It's important to recognize its suggestions, its predictions, its interpretations. In case you don't already do mindfulness practices in any way, you may consider taking it up. It's important to be careful with what kind of mindfulness you do, because unfortunately there's a lot of bad mindfulness out there, misinformation, incorrect takes, etc. Mindfulness as presented in programs like Healthy Minds are science-based and really helpful.

Once again, the reason I'm recommending mindfulness is because when you notice your brain's advice, it's easier to choose what kind of person you want to be. Once you know where you're standing, it's easier to take steps to where you want to go.

Just to comment on relationships. You mentioned that in a relationship it's possible or likely that there's "a whole-ass human depending on you or giving herself to you in every way". Yes, some people think this is how relationships work, but it's not the only way. You could read Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight to see how relationships can be different. The book might also be helpful to you because it explains how humans try to protect themselves even though they want to be close to each other.

Yes, love can be intoxicating "like a drug". Seeing love through the lens of drugs suggests that we lose control with love. However, if you're mindful about how it feels, you can both feel its beautiful sensations and also soberly choose what kind of person you want to be. Mindfulness, connection, and personal fulfillment can all coincide with a romantic relationship. Of course, it's possible to be mindful, connected, and fulfilled without a romantic relationship, but it seems like you think the path towards a healthy romantic relationship is something you predict could make your life meaningful. You're not alone; plenty of humans seek love in that way.

Others have suggested getting professional help. If so, you could consider looking for an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy therapist or a Coherence Therapy therapist.

To readers of this text who have seen my responses to other people, you may think that I see every situation as a nail that I hammer with my EFT, mindfulness, and ACT hammers. On the one hand, I ask whether you truly believe these situations would not benefit from those approaches. After all, they are evidence-based, trans-diagnostic, and have helped millions of people. On the other hand, it's not necessary to follow the resources that I suggest; it's possible to gain connection, awareness, and psychological flexibility in many ways. It's a matter of finding what works for you.

I hope this helps.

Logic and love don't really mix well, life is a bit fuller when you embrace love and let yourself feel vulnerable even if you know it will end in tragedy

I know how you feel as I experienced some similarities with up bringing. Do you know of the disorganized attachment type or mother wounds? Emotional neglect during your first few years of life, even if basic needs are being met, can lead to what you describe. I’ve made progress myself, as has my wife, but it is difficult.