The most water-like thing I am allowed by your very contrived rules. Maybe water with two slices of cucumber.

Coke zero, baby, yeehaw.

Vanilla milkshakes.

Spezi.

What is this "water" you speak of? Seriously, I almost never drink it, I'm more into sugary drinks. But in light of the question asked, my one choice would be chocolate milk.

Milk

Milk tea

And no "water with a twist of lemon/slice of cucumber" goofs. Water isn't allowed.

No sugar, no proteins?

Tap water has minerals.

Lemonsoda

Definitely not egg nog.

P I S S

Monster Ultra Zero. Idgaf about caffeine or aspartame or if it gives you energy or not, I just like how it tastes. I’d love a caffeine-free version that I could drink without worrying about dosage too much, but hey… we all gotta die sometime.

Glass bottle coke

Honeybush tea. It's an herbal tea from South Africa that tastes like honey..

Does this drink based magic, by chance, make refined sugars less problematic? I really want to say wild cherry pepsi but I drink a lot over the course of a day and I don't think my body will cope well with that much fructose.

If I want to live to see the age of 50 I think I'll go with cranberry pomegranate tea.