I just feel like I'm standing still and not in control of things at the moment. My siblings are taking steps forward in their own ways (having kids, moving abroad) and I'm stuck in a job I've had before that I moved back to because of a restructure, so I didn't choose it. It's not fulfilling but I'm good at it, but when it's the only thing I have going on it feels like I should be getting more out of it than I am. Also just feeling isolated as I don't connect with people in my team and I don't have a huge social life.

I want to get my own home so can't really take any huge risks jobwise at the moment. Just feeling stuck.

I feel like there are no happy options for me. There are only least-bad. I have a million different ways to spend my time and energy and they're mostly lesser-evil choices. If I do the things I want to do, then my family suffers. If I do the things my family wants/needs to do, then I suffer. Regardless, a large majority of my decisions are filled with suffering. I don't see any end to this.

I've been depressed as long as my memory goes back. It was less severe back then, but anyone that learned of it always gave me advice that I'd try and it wouldn't help, and then one day that advice made it worse.

The quintessential "go to the gym, it'll produce hormones that make it better.". On paper, it looked like a plan, in addition to my lifelong depression I have lifelong insomnia. Working out should exhaust me and make me tired, right?

Well, I committed for half a year. I changed up schedules but always was there no less than an hour (usually an hour and a half), and would focus on both cardio and strength training. Did I mention I was fat? Sorry, am fat.

One of the first things I noticed was no matter how hard I pushed myself it didn't help me sleep. In fact, it made me wired and gave me near constant sleep paralysis. My brain would be awake but my body? Exhausted. It also didn't help with my weight, despite dieting, but that was most likely just due to replacing far with muscle.

But nonetheless I pushed on. Until one day I was on elliptical and pushed my leg a little too.. far? I felt a pop and then immense pain. I managed to make it home without help. Cut forward a month and I've spent thousands of dollars on figuring it out. Turns out? Herniated disc. Which means it probably wasn't caused by the gym and merely triggered there.

My life transition from working out for half a year to physical therapy for half a year. I was miserable and in pain constantly. Finally, I had enough, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and some days I was bedridden from the pain - but being in bed didn't alleviate the pain.

I quit physical therapy, and within a week the pain was gone. I discovered that those basic exercises made the issue worse, and just stopping 99% of my physical activity erased the pain.

I floated for a year, slowly learning the new nuances of my life. I had sold my motorcycle ages ago because riding it put pressure on my spine. Couldn't play volleyball or other sports with family for the same reason.

Most days were fine, some days I'd "wake up on the wrong side of bed" and be in pain for the day. I developed type 2 diabetes and NAFLD. I got fired from my job for tardiness because I missed a few days due to the pain. Yes, I explained that. And me missing it has no impact on them either, just "set a bad example". Sure, I could probably have pursued something but when you're finding the motivation to get out of bed more difficult by the day, extracurricular stuff like that is a ways away.

Other stuff happened, I got a new job, fully remote (before COVID), my 3rd floor apartment flooded and my landlord tried to screw me over (fortunately my new boss is a lawyer and gave me great advice and confidence).

The back pain episodes are getting more frequent, a couple years ago I had a two week span of back pain so intense I would have killed myself, but I couldn't actually get into a position to try. Dragging myself to the toilet, and then up onto it, is not a confidence inducing experience.

All this started when I was 21. I'm 27 now and my health is getting worse. Found out I was ADHD (I think) which may have explained why I was depressed as a kid, but that ADHD is also drug resistant. Since moving after the flood I haven't been to my regular doctor appointments, nor eye doctor, nor dental. I have insurance and can afford the basics but the overwhelming thought of trying to identify a doctor close to me to fill each niche holds me back. My T2 diabetes has been untreated for years. I have property taxes due sometime later this year I won't be able to afford, I need to find contract work or something to earn a little extra income but I just want to shut down. I do my best to visit family and appear functional.

And this is before you compound all the other stuff going on IRL. War, undeniable climate change, plastic infiltrating everything, capitalism thinking everything. It's just exhausting, and sometimes I have to wonder - did I just end up in hell at some point and this is what it is? The day I finally die I'll start over, doomed to repeat this? I make it worse for myself by comparing my suffering to other's, invalidating my own suffering because others have it worse.

The best it seems I can do is find things to distract me. And work at my job I've considered my lifeline since I got it. But I'm tired. So very tired.

Its hard to put my feelings into text because my depression stems from all over the place.

A major fraction of my depression comes from my ex being toxic to me and my friends. She would ignore me most days when I would try to reach out to her and even when I was with her in person she would still ignore me this hurt me really bad because at the time I really missed her until I found out she was talking shit behind my back while I was away in Egypt and I only found out after the break up. During the relationship she would call me and come to the phone crying and would tell me her father and mother are fighting again, I would clam her down and comfort her and try to make her feel better, but sometimes I would come to the phone crying and feeling down and I was left in the dust by myself.

Every time we talk she would try to put me in my place and try to talk me down, I really didn't noticed she did that until after the relationship. The relationship ship was one sided and I would always try to make it better by reaching out to her and taking her on dates, but I feel used. And another thing after the break up she told the school that I was going to shoot it up and before I was called down to the principals's office I got a really weird text message from her

"Hey can you stop bring people into it your making it worse and not making anything better if you wanted something back you could’ve just texted me. If you don’t stop imma afraid I will have to report it" this was during lunch were my friend A was pissed off about the fact my ex said bad things to her about me, I don't remember what was said because I was at another table with the bois. When I was at the principals office he was really trying to watch his words, after my talk with the principal my ex's parents came into the office and I was like oh shit and the principal said hurry up, It was an oh shit moment then the principal shoves me into the library WHERE MY EX AND HER TOXIC FRIEND WAS. keep in mind during the relationship my ex is an adult and I'm still a minor.

Theres a lot more I could go into but for being a first relationship it tis a piece of shit. This is the main thing I wanted to get out, but theres more things I could type, but I'm tired.

That there is karma and mods on lemmy. The community should have full control and no mods. Karma should be banned as a way to enforce conformity and a highly toxic.