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submitted 6 months ago by lengau@midwest.social to c/196

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[-] hydrospanner@lemmy.world 21 points 5 months ago

Honestly I'm not on the spectrum at all (that I know of) and your SO's half of those exchanges sounds utterly exhausting.

Like, in their shoes, I'd probably just start sharing less and less about how I feel, especially when I'm not feeling well, specifically because I wouldn't want to have to play 20 questions every time until you finally gave up on the analysis.

Like, I totally get that you're just trying to help because you love them...but maybe you could simplify the process (and cut to the chase and give them some more agency) simply by saying something like "Ugh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Is there anything I can do for you?"

That lets them express their own thoughts/feelings/desires without having to pass a gauntlet of questions.

Again, I totally get that you mean well (I end up on your side of this exchange whenever my own SO isn't feeling well...you just want to fix it for them), but I've also learned by time and experience that often my best move is to offer help, and if the answer is just needing some time and quiet, I just tell my SO what I'll be doing nearby (but not up in their business) and if they need anything at all, just let me know and I'm happy to help.

[-] fushuan@lemm.ee 8 points 5 months ago

Is there anything I can do for you?

That's usually on the menu of stuff that I said, and before they went to therapy it had no effect. You see, autistic people usually don't express how they feel because they themselves don't even realise it, and the only realise that they feel bad when they break down. My SO had to go to therapy to learn to identify cues and to learn how to express themselves a bit so that they could vent or ask for help before breaking down.

We've been together for a while so I usually know what they need or they tell me they feel bad way before breaking down, but let me tell you, it was a struggle early on sometimes. It's hard to see someone you love struggling, but not doing anything to improve because they don't realise they are hurting before it's too late, day by day, week by week. We didn't know they were on the spectrum either early in the relationship so... yeah.

I was just taking a jab to the meme because that tale of them expressing themselves correctly is not true at all. xD The amount of stuff my SO used to describe as "thing", multiple times in the same sentence, and assume that I would understand what they meant because of the 5 mental leaps they did in their head that gave them and them only the context needed to know what those "things"s were, and since they understood that meant that I did, obviously... It was quite funny at times.