Lazy, hard to please or asexual? (feddit.de)

submitted 1 year ago by Dislodge3233@feddit.de to c/asexual@lemmy.world

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So I'm not sure how to define my sexuality. I only care because I have a hard time explaining it to others (men mostly women don't care).

Basically about 2 years ago I came out as bisexual (50/50 attraction). I had a lot of sexual trauma and resolved it in therapy. I had a whore phase to explore myself, but I honestly don't enjoy sex that much. I maybe cum 1-2/10 times, so mostly it's been about pleasing my partners.

A couple months ago, I basically stopped dating because I kinda don't care to. I find I get much more out of dance and hobbies. I still get horny, but after masturbating, I am back to not caring.

Sex just sounds remarkably unrewarding and too much effort. I like connecting with people, but dancing with someone is way less complicated than arranging sex for the same reward. Friends annoy me sometimes because they assume I'm just not having success.

Is this asexuality? I still sometimes like sex, just very rarely.

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[-] Dislodge3233@feddit.de 2 points 1 year ago

So part of my issue is these norms. As a man I'm supposed to be out conquering, so many men I talk to dismiss my feelings completely. It annoys me, so I end up being friends with women more.

Plus I can easily get sex if I want. I can walk into a gay/kink/bisexual sex party and get fucked left and right. But the cost-benefit ratio is off. Even at sex clubs where I get some of my best sexual experiences, the amount of pleasure I get simply doesn't justify the effort. Sex in relationships has typically been worse than in parties/groups.

And yeah, I'm not distressed about my sexuality. I'm just annoyed with people (mostly men, but some women) who presume to know what I need to be happy (meaning sex).

[-] lobster_teapot 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Yeah I know. As an Ace person, the conflation of normality, happiness and sex is really tiresome at times. Norms surrounding sexual relations can be quite asphyxiating. Casual acephobia is really to be found everywhere, and even though I never felt in any way in physical danger because of my identity the way other parts of the LGBT accronym can be, I definitely felt the alienation.

However at the end of the day, you have every right to push back against those kind of demands, and call them out for what they are. If I'm honest that's the other part of why labels are useful for me: as a political tool to push back and assert that the way I chose to live my life is legitimate.

Edit: Even if you end up choosing not to use the label, you can still point out that ace people exist and that universalizing norms around sex is pretty acephobic in itself. Everyone should be able to voice their experience without feeling dismissed.

this post was submitted on 10 Dec 2023

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