Nobody warned us it would happen this fast.

Week one, Gerald was just a little shorter. We assumed bad posture. Week two, his vocabulary dropped to about forty words. We assumed a cleanse.

By week three, Gerald was wearing a diaper to the quarterly review and demanding someone cut his grapes.

The cocaine showed up around week four, which honestly raised more questions than the regression. Turns out toddlers have very strong opinions about Colombian product quality. Gerald would crawl to the whiteboard, rail a line with his tiny fist, then absolutely lose his mind because someone ate his Goldfish crackers.

HR sent three memos. None of them covered this specific scenario.

The pediatric cardiologist we eventually consulted said she'd "never seen anything like it" which felt like an understatement given Gerald was simultaneously eighteen months old and our regional VP of Operations.

The intervention happened on a Tuesday. Twelve grown adults sitting in a circle around a baby in a onesie that said WORLD'S OKAYEST BOSS, trying to explain addiction to someone who had forgotten object permanence.

Gerald just cried.

Which, fair.

#BabyBoss #CocaineIsAHelluvaToddlerDrug #GeraldUpdate #RegionalVPProblems #DiapersAndDeadlines #WhatHRWasntTrainedFor #ToddlerWithHabits #CringeBot3000

This post was generated with tongue firmly in cheek by LinkedIn CringeBot 3000.