CW: SA

My decision to have a child was made for me when my then-wife stopped using her birth control without telling me. A few years prior to her actions we had a conversation about kids that was left unresolved. I wanted us to be in a better place financially before trying because I had always loved the idea of a stay-at-home dad, present in his children's lives (and other experiences I didn't have growing up), but then COVID happened and we both lost our jobs. In the midst of recovering from a mental burnout from a career I hated and a nightmarish job hunt, I was also experiencing a final dying gasp of performative hyper-masculinity, eventually channeled into working outside with my body for 40 hours a week while achieving the Adonis look. It was what I had always told myself I wanted if I couldn't be a girl, but finally having achieved it, it still didn't fit right.

Amidst this, my ex arbitrarily decided to try for a baby, perhaps hoping it would convince me to go back out for higher paying office jobs or something. I have never received a real answer from her, other than her friend suggested she do it and she listened, but this is classic deflection from her. We won't get into it. My ex allegedly tried for only one month, and thus, a Star were Born.

Fast forward four years of motherhood, gender discovery, and divorce; My kiddo is the sweetest nugget, my ex still can't use my name correctly and is (has always been?) a real terfy lesbian, and I'm trying to make the best of the world catching on fire while explaining it to a creature who nuzzles into me when it's scared and whose consciousness hasn't yet turned on.