"Thank you for coming in, parents who are either so antagonistic to their child or so checked out of their life you don't know a fundamental aspect of their being before a teacher does.

I am required by law to tell you something about your child, but I am barred by the same law from saying what it is. Hopefully you go home and just feel bad about yourself rather than becoming violent with your child. I love that my poorly paid job now makes me complicit in this."