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Is it possible for us with ADHD to date an avoidant?
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 04 Dec 2025
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ADHD
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No problem. It's definitely gonna be a challenge, and trying to meet midway is a good mindset to have. The two of you are gonna have to meet somewhere in the middle for the relationship to work. I've usually had to put in a bit more effort in my experiences. I guess it's just been easier for me to hold back than it is for an avoidant type to open up. And I feel like that makes a lot of sense.
I never really felt much anxiety from holding back. It's always been the "Did I go too far?" kind of thoughts that get scary for me. For her, opening up and facing things head on is probably gonna be really scary. And what you said about it being easier if you see effort from her is 100% true, but effort is also gonna go unnoticed sometimes for both of you. For example, she might be in the habit right now of not putting any thought into telling you about something small that's upsetting her. If that's the case, then just getting to a point where that crosses her mind will take effort. Stuff like that can go unnoticed really easily. The only real chance you'd have to notice it is if you pick up that something's off and it comes up later when you're both talking about it.
One other thing worth mentioning is how important it's gonna be for you to figure out how to react to any noticeable progress she makes, especially in the moment. If she doesn't like being the center of attention, there's a good chance that making a big deal out of her opening up will end up having a negative effect. I've always found it best to just listen at first. Thanking her for talking to you at some point might be all the acknowledgement she needs. You also might wanna ask if she wants any help, or if she wants your opinion at all. It took me a little too long to realize that someone doesn't automatically want help just because they're telling me about something.
Try to be the best listener you can. The progress she makes is gonna make her feel extremely vulnerable. You'll never be able to fully understand what that vulnerability feels like, and that's okay. My mindset has always been to try as hard as I can to fully understand, while keeping in mind that I never will.