I didn't realize it until after she died, but I mourned my relationship with my mom for years before she actually kicked the bucket. I had long since accepted that she didn't want to have any kind of relationship with me and that I would almost certainly never have any meaningful relationship with her, unless she had a serious change of heart. So I just assumed that I would never speak to her again. Then when she actually died, it just kinda... ticked from 0.1% chance to 0.0% chance. Still felt shitty to have it finally close on that note, but I hadn't really expected anything different. I still sometimes wonder if I could have had some kind of breakthrough conversation with her but the reality is that she made her choices and there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

But seriously Dad stopped talking to me and I followed suit. That was about 2 years ago. I missed him at first and worried about missing out on what little time he had left.

I eventually realized that I was missing something that no longer existed. My Dad either never was what I thought or became something I didn’t want in my life.

So I buried him. This way I can preserve what good memories I had and learn to live life without that relationship.

Make Thanksgiving seance themed!