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submitted 14 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) by latenightnoir to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world

This is a follow-up to this post.

As a TL;DR for context: my best friend from high-school, for whom I'd developed the first batch of unreciprocated romantic feelings in my life, reached out four weeks ago, after almost two decades of not being in touch. I started falling in love hard again, and I thought it was a bad idea.

Well, right now it seems as though I was right about that. I came clean about two weeks ago with the intent of backing off. Told her I'm falling for her again, hard, and that I don't want to do another stint of carrying it alone. I apologised profusely, told her this wasn't on her, no hard feelings, and wished her well.

She replied and told me that she really didn't want to lose this, because she started looking forward to our conversations and was excited about potentially meeting up next month (relative to the present moment), but that she didn't want me to suffer in any way, so she'd understand. She said that I'm definitely not indifferent to her, but that she's struggling to figure out her feelings - later on, this turned into "[I'm] very dear to [her] and [she] missed [me] so much without even realising it."

I, being the moron that I am, decided to stick with it for her, as she's clearly not having an easy go of things at the moment and thought that this was one thing I could do to ease her pain.

Trouble is, I started spiraling around the thought that I've just set myself on a trajectory of pure pain, again. I've had two episodes since then, let her know both times as I could tell it was affecting my "just chatting with a friend" mode. The first time, she stuck with me and gave me hints that there's a chance that pain is not inevitable. The second was last night, and it was significantly stronger. We ended the night with quite a bit of tension between us (she told me she's more of a "taking things as they are in the now, not defining anything," while I'm the kind of person who needs a bit of clarity in my life as an anchor point). We'd discussed where each of us stands in relation to continuing this interaction between us: I told her I'm choosing to stick with it even with the looming inevitability on my horizon, she avoided answering entirely, citing the aforementioned "taking things as they are in the now," and this just served to further fan my destabilisation.

It's clear to both of us at this point that there is a major mismatch of investment. My side is significantly more defined than hers (I'm not judging her, btw, every person has their rhythm and that's ok), but I genuinely see no way this could end up somewhere along the lines of where I'd like it to end - a mutual romantic attempt. This is for a number of factors, such as:

  • we live in different countries - I would have no issues uprooting myself and moving for a relationship, but I most certainly won't do it without anything clearly defined; she told me she needs something "real," a.k.a. no long-distance; establishing myself in her country would most certainly not be an easy process, with zero guarantee of success;

  • while we do get along in general (very well, I might add), it's clear that we have two very different approaches to this whole "relationship" thing, which is only amplified by the aforementioned mismatch of investment;

  • I'm not getting any concrete intentions from her in... well, any direction, to be honest; actually feels like it's a bit of a rollercoaster, with some days being almost lovey-dovey, and others being brief and devoid of any such elements - I'm not talking about just not discussing it, I'm talking about things feeling distant; as an example, one day she even told me I'm very dear to her and reacted positively when I hinted that I would love to hug and kiss her, now she's avoiding even saying anything concrete as to whether or not she'd want to continue interacting (not "let's give a relationship a chance," literally just "do you want us to still keep talking");

I'm genuinely suffering. It's painful, because I'm not only carrying the intensity of things as they are now (and they are intense in their own right, with every interaction just further solidifying everything), but I also have our shared history piling up on top of that, making everything significantly more intense - I've realised my feelings for her are on a continuum spanning from the first day I saw her and up to this very second, while she barely remembers anything from back then. She tells me that my being certain that this'll end up with pain on my end will serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy, while I genuinely see no chance of success.

Right now, I'm leaning toward cutting it all off. The pain will be guaranteed as-is, but I'm thinking that I will at least not let things grow any more than they already have, thus avoiding an even greater amount of pain, not to mention avoiding doing any more splash damage than I've already done. The tension at the moment isn't world-shattering, or anything, but it's noticeable - we both ended the night relatively upset. On the flipside, there's a dumb and stubborn flicker of hope which popped up after the first time I tried to pull away, and it's yelling at me that I'll lose her from my life again and that backing off is certain to end... whatever this is for good.

At this moment, I'm stuck oscillating between a rock and a hard place, my reason went out the window, and I'm severely emotionally compromised. I could do with any insight anyone might have and I thank you profusely for it.

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[-] latenightnoir 1 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago)

Thank you!

It is now. I sent her a "goodbye" letter explaining everything as well as I could, with heavy repetition of the fact that none of it's on her and I'm not blaming or judging her, just working with what I've got. I did leave space for "if you ever feel that you want to try something in a romantic sense, then I'm open for it," but made it clear that I can't deal with this as it is. No stuffing that shit back in the box.

As I told her, I'm not the kind of person who can dial it down when shit's screaming in me. I can't explain just how solid everything is in me, how well-defined this stuff is. She remembers nothing from back then, to me it's as clear as yesterday. To quote myself, "it feels like trying to stave off a river with a teaspoon."

I can't do this. There's far, far too much uncertainty, around pretty much every aspect and level of this interaction for me to be able to deal with it. Plus, I forgot to mention, she's currently in a relationship. Long-distance, she said it's ended in her mind for a while now (I told her I'd back off without hesitation if ever it were to reach the point of having to choose between her current partner and myself, she said it's not the case). I am deeply uncomfortable in this context. I've made this mistake once before, and ended up hating myself for it.

Bottom line, absolutely nothing was clear out of this whole situation for me. Not a single thing. And I get that it's difficult if she really is trying to figure out if there's anything there for me, but our interaction so far most certainly didn't indicate any such attempt all in all, I'll be honest. It just feels like I'm barking up the wrong tree entirely.

As for your note about her not being "fuck yeah" about me, I wouldn't even need that. Honestly. I'd just need to see that we're both on the trajectory of "seeing how far we can take things romantically." As it is now, however, it's closer to "I can't even say why I reached out to you" from her end.

Related to the whole attack debacle, things were, indeed, intense, but I tried to make sure to clarify that it was all expositional on my end, repeatedly stating none of this was her fault, any guilt is unjustified because it was MY choice to accept this interaction in the first place, and that the only reason why I was laying out my side of things was to make it clear that I'm not being weird for any other reason than the fact that I'm struggling with myself, within myself. The "avoidant" observation came after things started calming down a bit. But she did start focusing on my tendency to prepare for the worst, saying that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, that every interaction contributes to the end result. I said I understand that, just that I need a bit of clarity and there was none to be had in this case. She then switched to "if only things were so simple in life," and that's when I said that statement just feels avoidant from where I'm standing.

I'm a decisive person. If I feel something, then I feel it, and I feel it strongly. Call it my particular flavour of neurospicy, call it my temperament, whatever. That's just how I am and how I function, the highs are very high, the lows are very low, and everything in between is vivid and concrete. And if I feel love at this level, then it wants to be manifested, I need it to be manifested. So I'd rather just call it off than wallow in uncertainty for not even a "maybe," but a "maybe it'll one day be a maybe." Plus it's fucking uncomfortable for the unrequitting party as well, and I genuinely don't want to be a source of discomfort in her life. As such, removing myself from the situation is the best I can do, for both of us.

[-] voracitude@lemmy.world 3 points 6 hours ago

Bottom line, absolutely nothing was clear out of this whole situation for me. Not a single thing.

Yeah, I think that right there is the crux. She reached out for something but didn't know what, and you need clarity that simply isn't available. For what it's worth, I think you've made the emotionally mature, extremely difficult, and entirely-correct decision.

Plus, I forgot to mention, she’s currently in a relationship. Long-distance, she said it’s ended in her mind for a while now (I told her I’d back off without hesitation if ever it were to reach the point of having to choose between her current partner and myself, she said it’s not the case). I am deeply uncomfortable in this context. I’ve made this mistake once before, and ended up hating myself for it.

This is pretty important context. Immediately, it shifts the perspective on her, because unless they have a specific explicit agreement about some level of openness of the relationship, it's a betrayal of trust, and there's a nonzero chance she'd do the same with you if you did get involved. You definitely made the right call to cut it off.

Regarding what she felt was an attack, please try and remember that regardless of your intention, you can't explain someone's feeling away. You even acknowledged your own experience with that:

As I told her, I’m not the kind of person who can dial it down when shit’s screaming in me.

I know what you mean - I'm the same way. Coping mechanisms get swept away before the sheer power of the storm within, hey. Your "river with a teaspoon" analogy hits home too; it sounds very much like something I've said before, about dealing with life's slings and arrows more generally:

It's like we're all bailing water out of our little life rafts, but neurotypicals get a bucket, and I have a thimble.

As well, I hear you that you wouldn't "need" someone to be "fuck yeah" about you. I'm saying you deserve that, to be loved back as much as you love them. I sincerely hope you find it!

[-] latenightnoir 2 points 5 hours ago

Thanks so much for your patience and depth!

I genuinely hope she understands that it's nothing personal. I really do love her, and it hurts like hell, but, I gotta say... it hurts a helluva lot less than it did yesterday...

[-] voracitude@lemmy.world 3 points 3 hours ago

Any time, bru.

I genuinely hope she understands that it’s nothing personal

Isn't it? It's sure not business. I think it's okay for it to be personal (though you probably did right to emphasise that it's not, because of how people normally mean those words); I think you're trying to say it's not her fault, which is true - she wants what she wants (whatever that might be). Meanwhile, it feels like I need to remind you that it's not your fault either. You need what you need, there's no getting around that. If you even managed to figure out how to give her what she wants, it wouldn't be giving you what you need. I hope that helps it hurt a little less <3

[-] latenightnoir 2 points 3 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

Yes, that's what I meant, thank you - that I don't see this as being her fault, simply as a mismatch in dynamics.

Anyway, now it thoroughly "became personal:" she replied. Threw a lot of stuff in my face: that I pressured her (by asking once if she still wanted to continue the interaction knowing everything she knew was going on on my end), that I'm contradicting myself by choosing to not continue the interaction after saying that I would (because I received the new info of her trying to poke holes in my way of handling my side of things - preparing for the worst), and, the cherry on top, by now throwing at me "if you really want to know, yes, I saw potential, good dynamic, intellectual match, but I wanted to get to know you better." She told me precisely none of this while talking, and I swear on my mother's grave that would've been enough...

Sorry for the vent, hurts a lot more, but I'm also fucking pissed off now. Not as much for the above, but because she said I was insinuating ulterior motives by simply stating that I didn't understand why she reached out, and that I was guilt-tripping her by being honest about what and how I feel...

Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies... guess her dreams came true.

[-] voracitude@lemmy.world 3 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

It should have been expected she'd reply; this is the mismatch in action, it's just a bit more defined now.

Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies… guess her dreams came true.

That's the hurt talking, but it'll peter out like it did last time. Don't forget, she's in a relationship, and even if she considers it over, she didn't take that step before reaching out to you.

I'm sure this is going to get to you too late, but please don't reply to her. Archive or delete the messages, write what you need to in a Notepad file or something (or vim, if you wanna make sure it stays buried ;P). You made your decision, you said your piece, and you've got to stick to it or it's likely that both of you are going to hurt each other a lot more than you already have.

[-] latenightnoir 1 points 2 hours ago

I replied, but I stuck to my guns - I reiterated exactly what I said in my initial message. Whatever at this point, it's clear that this would not have worked out between us. If my being honest about my side of things is pressuing her, then I have nothing left to say or do.

this post was submitted on 28 Aug 2025
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