Honestly, I get wanting to keep using those laptops and that a perk of Linux is extending a device’s usable lifespan, but the last i386 machines are probably ~20 years old at this point; I think an upgrade is justified.

You can score an old AMD64 machine for next to nothing these days - you might even find something throwing one out; I think the sweet spot is a 1st or 2nd generation Intel Core i Series machine.