Oh, being “rude” is another accusation that haunts a lot of us. We’re called selfish and rude when we fail to recognize social cues, through no fault of our own.

The first description provided by dictionary.com lists “rude” as: discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way. To me, they key word there is “deliberate.”

Consider growing up being called “rude” or “selfish” despite your best attempts at getting along with others. Imagine thinking you’re making a thoughtful response, one where you already attempted to consider another person’s feelings, but you misinterpreted the situation. Nobody around you is straight-forward or elegant enough to explain to you why what you said was “rude,” they just throw the word at you and say it’s your fault for not trying harder.

Just like anyone else, some autistic people will internalize that term and decide that attempting to be “polite” is an impossible battle. Without the guidance to do a “post mortem” on situations and relationships that go sour, some people may decide, “What’s the point?” and give up trying.

It’s not a healthy response for sure, but I think it goes far in understanding where pre-existing childhood accusations turn into harmful, lifelong labels.