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this post was submitted on 18 Jul 2023
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I've been trying to degender my language. I grew up saying "thank you (or excuse me, yes/no, etc) sir/ma'am" and then being in customer facing positions for years just absolutely cemented that in my mind to the point where it is an absolute knee jerk reaction to make assumptions about the gender of others. It's an awful habit and makes me cringe every time I do it. I try to either just avoid the gender identifier ("thank you.") which to my mind sounds impolite, or use gender neutral terms like "friend" which REALLY sound impolite. It's tough but I'm working on it! The real trouble is getting my brain to stop gendering others and as a quite elderly millenial who actually identifies as Agender it is an annoying and difficult task. I'm envious of younger folks who won't grow up with these kinds of ideas as a default.
I'm not trying to sound insensitive (I never come across anything like that in real life), but is it really that bad to assume someone's gender? You literally don't know anything about that person, or how they identify. Do people get offended when you missgender them if it's the first time you've met them?
I could understand someone being offended if you do missgender them every time, but what if it's the first time you're meeting? Just say sorry and then say the correct pronoun.
First of all, I barely gender people (I've always been like this, saying friend, partner, mate...) so I'm really surprised by this new trend. Maybe I'm getting old lol.
It's not so much about offending someone (and yes, people absolutely do sometimes get aggressively upset about it) and more about attempting to change my own mental habits. I believe like race, sexual orientation, and politics, gender is a personal topic that doesn't really need to enter into a casual, never to be repeated interaction between two people. You don't say "excuse me, old person," based on your perceptions of another's appearance. Why is gender any different? It certainly isn't an objective concept or one that can be readily or factually assumed. It's outmoded and unnecessary.
Also, as I commented earlier, if I am using what I mean to be a term of respect to make someone else feel confident and comfortable, and through my language I risk doing the opposite, why would I want to do that if it's something I can personally change?