I absolutely hate it, I hate telling people where I'm from, I hate that it doesn't make sense to fight depression and change something in my life if I live here anyway and am doomed to be unhappy. Everything around me was designed to make me hate living. I just want to put an end to my shitty little life and that's it.

What in the actual hell happened to me?! I get bored from doing everything I liked to do. Drawing bores me. Crosswording bores me. Reading bores me.

And this isn't "phone addiction", because, yes, using my phone ALSO bores me.

🥺

only if they have no other choice.

I need to escape from my thinking habits but at the same time not get mesmerized with meaninglessness and unbearable depression, any tips?

Over the past 2 decades I've been trying various medications to help me w/ my long running major depression & crippling ADHD. And none have seemed to work.

Recently, the doctor I'm working w/ nowadays suggested that she's practically running out of options to offer me & that I should take a pharmacogenetics test to help her figure out what should she prescribe.

I took the (expensive) test and the results were eye-opening! The results came out a couple of weeks later w/ a detailed list of some few hundreds medications of various sorts (from pain killers to blood pressure control) along w/ their efficacy for my case. The physician's version also included a list of suggestions and alternatives for each medicine.

In my particular case, it essentially indicated that any medication that I had tried before was supposed to be either useless or to have limited impact on my body. That part is true.

Please note that I've only started a new set of prescriptions since a couple of weeks ago and as such can't really vouch for the accuracy of the suggestions.

I struggled a lot w/ myself to post something this personal. But I thought maybe there are people out there who've got no idea such tests exist and it might turn out to be helpful to some.

Just the quiet, subtle beauty of the world seen through the eyes of 5 year-old me. The smells of my grandma's incense, fall leaf litter, moss, dry forest air. The sun's rays cutting through the branches and warming my closed eyelids. Feeling the ground beneath my lap actually feeling like a part of it all.

Didn't know how much things would change for me the following year when I would start the first year of the absolutely soul crushing experience that was schooling, changing me for the worse. It was also when I would be introduced to electronic games, and addiction that further seperated me from the world I've grown to despise.

I told my wife that was basically my goal in life, to regain some of those fleeting moments of beauty and meaning I found so long ago.