interestingly, i don't have a conscious fear of needles but whatever self preservation mechanisms run in my brain go completely ape shit if i do a self injection.

it used to take me up to 2h to do my own T shots, and sometimes those instincts would present so intensely i was inches away from passing out (tunnel vision, ringing in my ears). i don't fear needles, i don't fear the pain, there barely is any to begin with, but my brain is hell-bent on not getting stabbed by my own hand. piercing the skin isn't hard, but it sometimes took me 10min of trying to make my hand move and it just would not. i had to disassociate myself with loud music or youtube videos just so i could do it, and after i finally succeeded, i was often drenched in sweat and needed chocolate to stop feeling light headed

after 4 years of that with no improvement, i decided to just go to a local clinic and have a nurse help me, and now my T shots take a whole maybe 15min at most (other people >:|). i have no idea why that ridiculous gelatine of the head panics so violently it tries to turn off conciousness if i try to stab myself with a needle on my own, but if someone else does it's like "huh, ok"

just why