heya! this is one of my first posts on the internet where i'm not "masking," or giving myself the stipulations of maintaining a specific public image.

i (f20) found out in recent months that i'm a highly masked autistic person. this has led me down such a rabbithole, but what i think i'm figuring out is that i don't have a personality unless i'm around other people, or think my actions are being perceived by other people.

growing up, the internet always felt like a place i could be myself. but, this was scrutinized by my parents who were too old (and emotionally abusive) to understand how to properly manage my internet consumption. so, i developed a ton of internalized shame surrounding wanting to express myself, and by age 13 i had basically given up on having an internal life.

now, i'm 20 and finally beginning to develop IRL healthy relationships with a few close friends. but i feel so much untapped potential for me on the internet. i have a finsta that i can be more authentically myself than on my main instagram, but still i worry about the scrutiny of people i know in real life all the time.

basically i'm beginning an authentic path on the internet and don't really know where to start or how to find joy from it (or anything i do intrinsically.)

anyone else out there going through this? let's talk about it! i love to hecking talk!