Definitely not just a you problem. It's actually very relatable, and sadly, something I think we all have to go through.

I would get unpleasant and stupid, which was not amazing for my day job that involved daily meetings, and concentrating for hours at a time. The whole time I was worried I'd get fired for being so bad at my job. At one point my partner actually told me "go smoke" because I was being such an ass. I was happy to have "permission" to use, but it still made me feel, like you said, such a baby.

Anyway, when I did finally stop 100% I started it on a 1 week staycation, so I could get the absolutely worst part out of the way while I wasn't working. But after that it was all managing expectations. My partner knew what to expect by now, and I asked for grace while I went through the wringer. I told a couple close people at work what I was going through, so if I seemed off, that was why.

Even then I was not pleasant to be around, and there were probably entire days where my work output was close to 0. So when I failed, and had to deal with the shame of deciding whether to smoke in secret, or let people know I'd failed, it felt like I'd really lost a bit battle.

But you know, you just keep trying, and eventually it sticks.